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Sitting in Dallas Fort Worth, the airline attendant offered a voucher for anyone willing to give up their seat. First it was for $300. Ten minutes later is $400. About fifteen minutes after it was $500.

The funny thing? After the announcement there was no attendant at the desk. So even if people went up to accept the voucher, there was no one there to make the change, basically they were upping it for nothing.

So strange.

The flight was already late, two hours, half oh which was spent on the tarmac. I was in the second to last row. Granny and her toddler grandson were in the final row behind me. Granny was sick,as was Sonny, both hacking up from time to time in a nice, familial same-family, same-germs kinda way. I aimed my overhead air jet straight back, imagining in my head a protective curtain of air holding the germs at bay. After a few minutes Granny complained of being cold. That made smile.

Sonny was all over the map, on the seat, under it, on the tray table. I hoped once the flight took off he'd calm down. Sadly no. Once the drink service I hoped for that to put a damper on his frenzy of activity. Again, sadly not. At one point Sonny was actually jumping on the tray table, hands clamped to my headrest. I reclined the seat as far as it could go and heard "whoa look out" from Granny. That made me smile.

Two hours of this shit, several dirty looks and an angry rapping of my pen over the window did little to reduce the obnoxious behavior. A late flight, totally full, hot, cramped, and with a human tazmanian devil unleashed behind me, I was ready to kill. The woman next to me was just as fit to be tied. We couldn't get off the plane soon enough.

In the past I have let older people or those with kids ahead of me. In this case I didn't dare or I would have punted Sonny off the jet bridge, face first into the reinforced gate. Yep it was gonna be a good trip.

BARCELONA, Spain (AP) -- Mozilla, the non-profit foundation behind the popular Firefox Web browser, is getting into phones. But it's not stopping at Web browsers - it's launching an entire phone operating system.

I'm sorry, why do I care? Are there still Netscape fans out there who want one? I mean I think there are more IE Fanboi types out there and the Windows phone is down there, slightly below RIM (I'm sorry, Blackberry officially now).

Again, why do I care? Why would anyone?

Goes something like this:

* Day lost to snow
* Another work day lost to tending a parent who never tended me
* Another half day of the same
* Crushing in three days of work into a half day to come home and fight
* Leaving early for a weekend with friends cut short due to snow, and a different parent in critical condition
* Three hours at home only to board a plane for a week of work travel

I can remember who I am long enough to play the appropriate role, but if it keeps on there won't be more than a memory of who that was. I wonder if this is why people go nuts when they retire?

The restaurant was packed, and by packed I mean overflowing to the gunwales. The table of twelve had finished up a while ago. While the management desperately tried to fit the waiting patrons into the remaining tables, the large party reenacted a scene from Alfred Hitchcock and Ten Little Indians. One by agonizing one they grudgingly left. Over 90 minutes later and the very last stragglers finally packed it in.

I understand that when you pay for a table that you are entitled to a certain amount of space and time. But ffs when people are falling over each other like zombies at a mall you might muster a small amount of respect for your fellow man. Or the restaurant.

Assholes like that test everyone's patience. My friend elbowed me and suggested that we just go snuggle up next to them. Just to see what they would do. Luckily shortly thereafter an actual table did open up, still, no thanks to those dipshits.

Courtesy... its what's for dinner.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it ain't white...

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Ten days before a new deadline for broad, automatic government spending cuts, the sense of urgency that surrounded other recent fiscal crises is absent. Government agencies are preparing to absorb an $85 billion hit to their budgets, and politicians, at least for now, seem willing to accept the consequences.

After all the yelling and screaming about the budget most Americans have become inured to talk about budget cuts. What they don't realize is what it can *actually* mean. Let me illustrate this.

Hurricane Sandy#2 roars in (pick a coast any coast). Flooding is high, houses are damaged, utilities are down, basically lives are at stake. Under the usual circumstances State and Federal agencies work together to respond to the crisis. Often the burden falls on the Federal agencies, because in the worst disasters the First Responders are also victims; Fire, Police and Hospitals being flooded out.

But with sequestration there won't *be* a federal agency to put boots on the ground. Agencies like the Coast Guard will take devastating hits. Is this what the hardworking men and women who protect us deserve?

In fact, many Republicans now see the automatic cuts in spending as the only way to tackle the federal deficit. Some liberals won't balk either because they want cuts in Pentagon spending. And many Democrats believe the cuts will have to materialize before Republicans agree to some increase in taxes.

This is not a GAME you fucking assholes, it's lives and families at stake. Stop your douching around and do your goddamned job so that the men and women of our nation can do theirs.

The right solution is to take the pay of every single fucking politician for every day of sequestration and use it to support the victims of political posturing, and I mean EVERY politician, regardless of party or ideology. You bitches and bastards are putting America at risk. If a crisis does happen it would be sweet justice if it were to hit DC. Let the Senators, Congress and President lift their own stupid sandbags. Maybe that would teach them the value of the people they're willing to screw.

Mobile wants you to be distracted while you pump your gas, anyone want to guess why? Well, here's three good reasons:

1. Because maybe you'll overfill and they will get more money
2. Because you're a captive audience and they can sell advertising
3. Because it might distract you from how much you're paying

I already called out a supermarket for putting TVs up next to their checkout, now it's time for Mobil. YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS NEED TO GET THE TV OUT OF MY FACE.

Of course etiquette is a little different when you're in a gas station. A little spill of oil, splash of gas, even a solid thwack with the pump handle might not be out of place. Definitely no problem with rubbing a little dirt on or leaning on it with your hand. Of course that won't drown out the yammer of a half dozen or more little screens all belting out their slogans at top volume. But at least the visual vomit can be toned down a little.

What do Girl Scouts and designer wedding dresses have in common? Both get thrown in the trash rather than donated to a good cause if they're not sold. I can see how designer dresses might be sold by assholes who would rather see them destroyed than on the shoulders of a woman who can't afford one, but for an organization that touts "do a good turn daily" it's very disappointing.

Update: 13,200 Girl Scout cookie boxes destroyed in California were unsold, but still good. The Girl Scout cookies from the USA had not passed the expiration dates, so it's unclear why Council officials disposed of the flavorful treats last May. Many wonder why boxes were trashed instead of donated to food banks. A video recently surfaced that is causing a stir. (examiner)

It's a disgusting shame, and a stain on the Girl Scouts, that instead of donating the food they preferred to waste it. Would giving those cookies to a church, elderly home, or soup kitchen really have been a bad thing? Where's the heart? Where's the humanity? All I see is greed. And that will certainly affect my good will the next time I see cookies on sale.

Shame on Girl Scouts, shame on you.

Driving in the city, any large city, makes a rational person wonder: why are SUVs even allowed in? Jamming up streets, taking up more than their share of a parking spot, gulping down gallons in a traffic jam and all for the convenience of one person (typically). I would love to see SUV owners banned, or at least forced to pay a premium for taking up more than they need.

I'm guessing SUV owners would ante up too, because mainly they're still willing to pay almost $4 per gallon at the pump, often amounting to hundreds of dollars in fuel fees per month. It's like owning a Great Dane in an apartment, hard to deal with, but obviously a point of stubborn pride ("I don't care what it costs, I just have to be me"). Well ok then, be you, but not at the cost of everyone else thanks.

SUVs were a retarded throwback to the days of "big cars". The automotive industry was happy to exploit the loopholes left in place for the people who really needed those vehicles, hardworking plumbers, electricians, builders, people who really needed the space and power to earn a living, not for some rich twat to feel "safe" when she's distracted by her cell phone. I want to see them gone, and I've celebrated as their numbers have dwindled. Restricting them from certain locations would be a lovely idea, letting two or even three (smart) cars take up the space instead. Moving more people, faster and more easily, saving space, time and fuel for all.

Greed is ugly and SUVs are just that. Let the real guys who need them for tools and hauling materials have them back, the rest of the white-collar wannabes should sit their commuting asses in something more practical, or be forced to pay extra to account for the pain they cause the rest of us..

Well it's ~kinda true...

Rock'n'roll singer Chubby Checker is suing HP over an app that used his name as a euphemism for penis size.

The Chubby Checker app - which appeared on websites for Palm OS devices - claimed to guess the intimate measurement based on shoe size.

Lawyers acting for the singer are seeking $500m (£323m) in compensation, saying the app has done "irreparable damage" to his reputation. (BBC)

When checking a "chubby" it makes sense to name it chubby checker. Clearly the singer did not entirely appreciate the double entendre (not enough tongue in cheek perhaps?)

So what alternatives might there have been?

Dick Dimension-er, Wang Weigher, Penis Panorama, Manliness Magnitude, Schlong Span, Boom Hound Breadth, Wacker Width, Pecker Purview, Boner Bar-graph, Cock Compass.

Don't you just love this website?

How unusual, a Catholic minister, an Archbishop no less, likes little boys more than little girls. Apparently so much so that he's banned a little girl from playing football with the boys. Of course, it's all for her own safety...

Philadelphia (CNN) -- Caroline Pla has been playing football since kindergarten, and for the past two years, the 11-year-old has been knocking opposing players on their butts.[..] Her playing time with the Catholic Youth Organization ended after last season when the Archdiocese of Philadelphia enforced its "boys only" policy for football, sidelining the All-Star guard and defensive end.[..]

The Archdiocese of Philadelphia's Catholic Youth Organization currently designates football as a full-contact sport for boys only. It is important to note that most CYO sports are designated by gender, with some sports offering separate leagues for boys and girls. These measures are taken in an effort to ensure a safe and appropriate playing environment for all participants," Archdiocese of Philadelphia spokesman Kenneth A. Gavin said in a statement.[..]

In a final appeal, Caroline, who also competes on CYO track and basketball teams, wrote to Philadelphia Archbishop Charles Chaput after recently learning he would have the final say after the panel makes their recommendation.

In an e-mail provided to CNN by the Pla family, Chaput told Caroline he was "perplexed" that she wrote to him only after going to the media.

"I admire your love of the game, Caroline, and I'm impressed by your zeal in pursuing the opportunity to play it," he wrote. "At the same time, it's important to understand that pressure is not a good way of showing respect for dedicated people who are simply fulfilling their duty to protect young people in sports."
The chiding seems to ignore that Caroline's parents wrote the archdiocese, to no avail, before taking their daughter's cause public..." (CNN)

Archbishop Chuck is clearly living in the past, which no one can really fault him for because that's precisely where the Catholic Church is. It's not a religion that's appropriate for first-world nations, a fact that's supported by its dwindling support. But that's not really the issue. The real issue is that Chuck is a Schmuck, taking issue with a little girl for not coming to him directly when her parents did multiple times.

Frankly there's no way I'd take a little girl to have a private talk with a Catholic anything, but that's just me.

Still I'm all for Chuck's stance since it will just help drive more and more lackadaisical Catholics away, turned off by the misogynistic attitude and closed-door policies. Caroline can do better than playing for CYO and now she will, if she wants to continue to play. Sucks for her teammates, but in the long run it's just another nail in the Catholic coffin, because you know those kids will grow up with the memory of how a religion chose to interfere with their game.

Association Chief Executive Officer Wayne LaPierre Thursday renewed his call for armed personnel in every school in America. (UPI)

Schools are not a place for guns or armed guards. It's a sad statement that the NRA is feeling so threatened that they need to scare people into turning childhood into a prison term. America has gone for several centuries without guns in schools, adding more guns to the mix will only hurt future generations. Childhood should NOT be battleground, nor a place for power-hungry assholes to take hostage.

I know you get more than a smooth million Wayne for saying the stupid shit you spew, and money is a great conscience clearer. But fuck the NRA and fuck you for trying to turn future generations of Americans into inmates.

Please take your threat and shove it.

Let me cut to the chase: Lake Nona High Principal has a stick up her butt.

Principal Margaret Nampon of Lake Nona High School in Orlando said in a Wednesday message to parents that any students bearing Valentine's gifts such as balloons, flowers and teddy bears will be required to leave them in the office for the duration of the school day and any attempted deliveries will be sent away, the Orlando Sentinel reported Thursday.

The message said Valentine's gifts were banned "to maintain our instructional focus and avoid distraction."

Susan Storch, principal of Cypress Creek High School, said she is also banning gifts tied to the romantic holiday.

"Students are not allowed to bring balloons, flowers, stuffed animals or other Valentine's Day items to school," she said. "We cannot let it disrupt our academic environment." (UPI)

Funny thing is Lake Nona's ranking isn't all that special. It's at 50% of the state average, meaning it's not really any better or worse than other schools out there that do allow students a little human feeling. I'm guessing that Maggie wasn't going to be getting any love today so she wasn't in the mood to see others having what she didn't.

As for Cypress Creek High School, the news is even worse. What used to be a pretty good school is currently on the skids and getting worse. Funny thing is, the school was doing better before, clearly not impacted at all by flowers, cookies, chocolate or *gasp* love on Valentines day.

So here's a message to Maggie and Sue: get the fuck over yourselves. All you did was show how uninspired school can be. Had you half a clue you would have used the informal holiday to your advantage as the majority of schools out there do: building spirit, earning the clubs an extra buck or two through flower sales, making it a TEACHABLE moment on a hot and current topic.

My suggestion? Someone get these old biddies some chocolate and a gigolo or two. Maybe then they'll find their humanity, if they still have any.

For many people blogging is a harmless, cathartic activity that helps maintain sanity. Anonymity is a key part of it and blowing someone's cover for your own benefit is, well, douchebag-ism. Which is what Sprudge.com apparently is good for.

SEATTLE (AP) -- A Seattle barista says it was all satire, but his anonymous blog that made snarky comments about his boss and the customers he didn't like got him fired.

Matt Watson was ousted as the author of the blog "Bitter Barista" this week by another coffee site called Sprudge(.)com, which led his boss at All City Coffee in Seattle's Georgetown neighborhood to fire him.

So fuck you Sprudge. A guy wasn't dissing people to their faces, he was going home and providing entertainment for the rest of us. Now you ruined it for your 15 seconds of fame. I hope you feel big about yourself, but be aware of the backlash you're entitled to as well. Fuck you very much.

The Paternos seem to think that they can reverse the damage that's been done. The problem is that they can't. Worse, they have lived in the limelight so long that their sense of reality is skewed. Fact is, no one really cares what they think, or reports they pay or, or charges they posthumously refute. Still, I guess you can't fault them for trying... unless you're me.

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (AP) -- A report commissioned by Joe Paterno's family says the late coach did nothing wrong in his handling of the Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse scandal and portrays Paterno as the victim of a "rush to injustice" created by former FBI director Louis Freeh's investigation of the case for Penn State.[..]

The family's findings said that Paterno:

- Never asked or told anyone not to investigate an allegation made against Sandusky 12 years ago, Saturday, Feb. 9, 2001.

- Never asked or told former administrators not to report the 2001 allegation.

- And never asked or told anyone not to discuss or hide information reported by graduate assistant Mike McQueary about the 2001 allegation.

"Paterno reported the information to his superior(s) pursuant to his understanding of university protocol and relied upon them to investigate and report as appropriate," the family's analysis said.

Ok so the fact that he *knew* but didn't get involved makes him a hero?

Sorry, but the Paterno family is missing a very vital point: the fact that Joe passed away before he could testify saved him a lot of embarrassment because he would have been found at fault. Yes, that's right, at fault, because when you're *the* man in charge everything that happens under your leadership, whether you know it or not, whether you pursue it or not IS YOUR FAULT. That ~is what leadership is all about, responsibility. For Sue and her family to claim that Joe Paterno is guilt free in the Sandusky case is sad. Lady, your husband was a good coach on the field, but when tested as a manager and a human being with the awful reality of a pedophile, he "left it to others", in other words, he failed to do his job.

The Paterno family needs to clam the fuck up. Nothing, no statements, no evidence, no report is going to reverse the image of Joe as a man too busy or too embarrassed to ensure the safety of everyone associated with his team. Absence of action, failure to follow through, can be considered criminal and has been in this case. That's the facts, that's the past and re-opening old wounds by trying to restore a tarnished image isn't helping anyone. Sorry Sue, but that's how it is.

Apparently I'm a slacker. The office called, and messaged, and emailed on Friday saying that it was going to be closed due to weather, a rare occurrence. However I had a phone-con that day which I missed. This apparently makes me a slack-ass because when I finally do have the opportunity to check my email and voicemail there are multiple messages telling me that the meeting is still going on and where am I?

I'M AT HOME IN A FUCKING BLIZZARD THANK YOU.

Ffs. You know? Some people in nicer areas, and those workaholics not, might just take a moment and say "Gosh, maybe they can't get on the phone because they have more pressing issues to deal with." Or maybe they could all just be stuckup douchebags feeling holier than me. That's fine. I'm good with that.

The answer? Almost a million in 2010. And that was 3 years ago.

LaPierre has been richly rewarded for his efforts: NRA tax returns show he earned $835,000 in salary and $126,000 in other compensation in 2010. (AP)

Mr. LaPierre makes a boodle. Not surprising really that he's rakin' in the big buck'olas in this "time of crisis" for gun rights. I mean guns and money have gone hand in hand both literally and historically. Still it's humorous, that the "ordinary" folk feel protected by Wayne. "He's out there for us, defending our second amendment rights." Oh really? It would be interesting to see how motivated Mr.NRA would really be without that 1 million dollar salary.

A spokesman is a spokesman who gets paid to act like a hero. Whether he actually believes the rhetoric is another matter. The only thing that does count is if he makes you believe in him... for another million that is.