Jul/23
2006
2006
Sissy ass drinks and "American Restaurants"
This goddamn "American Family Restaurant" bullshit has pissed me of way too much, and I've finally lost my grip on the whole fucking thing. I think I'm going to just go insane..
Why do these poor quality 3rd rate "American" restaurants feel the need to throw roughly .5 million dollars of worthless, ugly, cluttery decorations all over the place, scattered in a hideously disorganized manner? Do you ever ask anyone on the street "Hey, What do you like about Applebee's?" Do they ever say "The Decorations!!"? OF COURSE THEY BLOODY DON'T.
If all of these stupid ass shitholes stopped spending so much money on worthless decor and -- I don't know, MAYBE started spending it on educated kitchen and bar staff, then who knows, MAYBE you could get a decent steak and a drink that's PROPERLY MADE. Hell, even the damned menu has a picture of a well-done steak on the front of it.. Anybody who LIKES steak NEVER orders it well-done.. What kind of idiocy is this?
Is it really too much to ask for? Why should I have to go to a specialty restaurant just to get a steak and a cocktail that's properly made?
Now, All of these restaurants are all alike, some being slightly worse than others of course, but for the sake of storytelling, I will stick to my recent (and last) experience at my neighborhood Applebee's restaurant.
They ACTUALLY have a drink - an "Applebee's Martini" with Vodka, Vermouth and Olives .. only the olives are stuffed with bloody Slim Jim pieces!!! Of all the white trash shit in the world, Slim Jim olives? WTF is wrong with America?
Aside from that, they have sissy ass mixer drinks which are sweet enough to cause diabetes on the first sip - Drinks are supposed to taste like alcohol, NOT high fructose corn syrup and citric acid.
My nightmare began when I attempted to order a "traditional" martini - that is, one made with gin, and for Christ's sake, a NORMAL olive. - Everybody knows how to make a bloody martini, right? Not this restaurant! no way!
You know what I got? Gin on the rocks in a highball glass. Where were the olives? SITTING ON TOP OF THE FUCKING ICE!!
Well, normally I like my drinks a little on the "balanced side" as pure gin does have a tendency to taste like, oh I don't know, SOAP... But this was outright dumbassery. What kind of brain dead mindfucked zombie was behind this grotesquery of a drink? Noone who deserved to be, that's for sure.
After a minute or so, the very special waiter came back to check up on us, and I said to him "This isn't a martini, what is it? This is gin on the rocks with an olive on top"
"Sorry sir, how should we make it then?"
"First of all, in a MARTINI GLASS, mix about 1 part vermouth with oh say 3 parts of gin. Put the olive in the glass and pour the mixture over the olive, stir and serve"
That's what SHOULD have happened.. but here is what actually happened.
The dumb ass says to me... "That's a martini. This is how we make them here"
9842890238DSJFIOJSKFJASKLF THIS IS NOT A FUCKING MARTINI.. GOD I WISH I COULD KILL PEOPLE AT WILL.. DF3@$dgfdsgdf
I'm just speechless at this point, I just wanted to jump out of my seat and attack this fat ass with my table knife.. I was so pissed off that I couldn't even remember the rest of my dining experience, or what I ordered for that matter, but I do remember not tasting much of anything..
We spent $30 on lunch, thirty goddamn dollars. PLUS tip.
Of course, I could always rant about my recent experience at Sarasota's hippest Japanese restaurant.. What a fucking shame that was..
8 comments
Comment from: u235 [Member] 
It used to be that the one thing you could expect at an "Americana" style restaurant was a decent drink. Of course back then the bartenders were older guys, mostly balding, not giggling tootsies hired for their conspicious lack of wit equalled or exceeded by their bar tending skills.
Giggle for me babe.... good ok, you can do that. Vacuous chat? Check. No, don't worry that you don't know what goes into a Rum N' Coke - you won't need to know anything that sophisticated...
Course way back, when you could get a decent drink and a steak done how you asked for it you went to crappy polynesian/chinese restaurants for the crappy drinks. Sadly now those are actually a cut above the standard appleby's fare. Honestly you're better off packing a hip flask and spiking your $2.50 glass of super-sweet soda than asking for a mixed drink.
Course there's always beer.
Giggle for me babe.... good ok, you can do that. Vacuous chat? Check. No, don't worry that you don't know what goes into a Rum N' Coke - you won't need to know anything that sophisticated...
Course way back, when you could get a decent drink and a steak done how you asked for it you went to crappy polynesian/chinese restaurants for the crappy drinks. Sadly now those are actually a cut above the standard appleby's fare. Honestly you're better off packing a hip flask and spiking your $2.50 glass of super-sweet soda than asking for a mixed drink.
Course there's always beer.
07/24/06 @ 21:48
Comment from: Roulette [Member]
Have you ever had a really good bartender wait on you? If not, I swear you should look for one. I found a few on vacation to the islands. I can't say I've had one around me though. Most of them make an OK drink, but my experience in the islands truly raised the bar.
They knew your name by the second drink. They talked to you. Chatted. If you didn't want discussion, they let you sit and enjoy your beverage. They mixed drinks quickly and accurately. Sometimes, they even did some 'Cocktail' style flash. Never once did I find a drink they didn't know how to make. You could tell they really enjoyed their jobs and really knew what they were doing.
In the local places, you don't get that. 20 something idiots who are confused if it's not a premixed frozen drink or a beer. And even then, you're asking for it.
Maybe bartender is going the way of the other craft skills.
They knew your name by the second drink. They talked to you. Chatted. If you didn't want discussion, they let you sit and enjoy your beverage. They mixed drinks quickly and accurately. Sometimes, they even did some 'Cocktail' style flash. Never once did I find a drink they didn't know how to make. You could tell they really enjoyed their jobs and really knew what they were doing.
In the local places, you don't get that. 20 something idiots who are confused if it's not a premixed frozen drink or a beer. And even then, you're asking for it.
Maybe bartender is going the way of the other craft skills.
07/25/06 @ 01:56
Comment from: Roulette [Member]
BTW, vacation is a fucking stupid word to have on the blacklist.
07/25/06 @ 01:57
Comment from: Larathiel [Visitor]
I experienced deja vu while reading u235's reply but that's ok.
As for the original topic, Appleby's is shit. I remember once (long ago) when they used to at least be decent but that was in the pre-broadband era...
Fortunately for me, 99% of the time I drink only coffee and water when I dine out so bad bar skills would be invisible to me. What pisses me off though is when I get eggs that aren't cook through enough. I can't stomach runny eggs — can't even get them down the chute — yet it amazes me how most any breakfast place can have such a lack of consistency in how something as simple as scrambled eggs can turn out. Also, how it is that the cooks can't differentiate between fried eggs that are over easy, over medium and over hard? Are there no equivalents for these concepts in Spanish or something?
My own personal fussiness aside, where this becomes really dangerous is when trying to dine out with friends who have food allergies. One of my past GF's had siliac. In theory, this meant she was allergic to wheat, oats, barley and rye (i.e. anything with "gluten" in it). In practice though, we found out that soy and canola oil were secondary allergies brought on by the siliac. You'd be amazed at how many things suddenly become dreadfully toxic to a girl with those restrictions. Even the chefs are sometimes clueless because the cheaper places (like Appleby's) tend to use more thickeners and other strange solutions that Your average person wouldn't be phased by. But really, why does IHOP *need* to put fucking pancake batter in the scrambled eggs? How is it that few restaurants have olive oil or butter on hand to cook with rather than cheap ass vegetable oil (canola-based) and margerine (soy-based)?
Let me tell You, nothing ruins a nice dinner like Your date having to run to the ladies' room to hug the toilet because the kitchen doesn't know what it's cooking with...
As for the original topic, Appleby's is shit. I remember once (long ago) when they used to at least be decent but that was in the pre-broadband era...
Fortunately for me, 99% of the time I drink only coffee and water when I dine out so bad bar skills would be invisible to me. What pisses me off though is when I get eggs that aren't cook through enough. I can't stomach runny eggs — can't even get them down the chute — yet it amazes me how most any breakfast place can have such a lack of consistency in how something as simple as scrambled eggs can turn out. Also, how it is that the cooks can't differentiate between fried eggs that are over easy, over medium and over hard? Are there no equivalents for these concepts in Spanish or something?
My own personal fussiness aside, where this becomes really dangerous is when trying to dine out with friends who have food allergies. One of my past GF's had siliac. In theory, this meant she was allergic to wheat, oats, barley and rye (i.e. anything with "gluten" in it). In practice though, we found out that soy and canola oil were secondary allergies brought on by the siliac. You'd be amazed at how many things suddenly become dreadfully toxic to a girl with those restrictions. Even the chefs are sometimes clueless because the cheaper places (like Appleby's) tend to use more thickeners and other strange solutions that Your average person wouldn't be phased by. But really, why does IHOP *need* to put fucking pancake batter in the scrambled eggs? How is it that few restaurants have olive oil or butter on hand to cook with rather than cheap ass vegetable oil (canola-based) and margerine (soy-based)?
Let me tell You, nothing ruins a nice dinner like Your date having to run to the ladies' room to hug the toilet because the kitchen doesn't know what it's cooking with...
07/25/06 @ 02:00
Comment from: nf [Member]
I second that. I personally like runny egs, but i do prefer them over medium - and once I got a funny look when i said medium, like the only universally accepted term is "over easy!! huh huh huh!"
I don't like runny snotty liquid egg-whites, sorry -- but the yolk, well, thats for dipping. It's sauce waiting to happen. If you whisked in a stick of butter into some slowly-heated yolks you'd have hollandaise sauce. Yum. I don't get why you people dont like yolks! sheesh!!!
All matters aside, idiocy and incompetence are taking over the fucking world. Some comic suggested that restaurants be rated. Food sucks? $5 off. Bad service? $10 off. etc. That would make for some REAL competition, and wait a minute... JUST LIKE THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM!! Ever wonder why kids at public schools know little more than a fucking common invalid? Teachers don't have any bar to live up to, no standard, no competition. Everyone is stuck where they are and lack of choice creates a bunch of complacent lazy ass worthless teachers and school systems who care as much about educating students as they do about the quality of the processed food they ingest.
I don't like runny snotty liquid egg-whites, sorry -- but the yolk, well, thats for dipping. It's sauce waiting to happen. If you whisked in a stick of butter into some slowly-heated yolks you'd have hollandaise sauce. Yum. I don't get why you people dont like yolks! sheesh!!!
All matters aside, idiocy and incompetence are taking over the fucking world. Some comic suggested that restaurants be rated. Food sucks? $5 off. Bad service? $10 off. etc. That would make for some REAL competition, and wait a minute... JUST LIKE THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM!! Ever wonder why kids at public schools know little more than a fucking common invalid? Teachers don't have any bar to live up to, no standard, no competition. Everyone is stuck where they are and lack of choice creates a bunch of complacent lazy ass worthless teachers and school systems who care as much about educating students as they do about the quality of the processed food they ingest.
07/25/06 @ 10:43
Comment from: odessa [Member]
The whole novelities all over the place started with Hard Rock, and some local bars/pubs/cafes, that had focus memorabilia about. But at least that stuff made sense - usually a commone theme. Then TGIF did it. Bit more chaotic, but still fun. In that whole spirit of one-up-manship, it has become absurd.
As far as the drink - I don't know what to tell you. I worked in a dive bar. Never made a martini. But I damn sure knew HOW if I had to.
As far as the drink - I don't know what to tell you. I worked in a dive bar. Never made a martini. But I damn sure knew HOW if I had to.
07/25/06 @ 21:22
Comment from: Abba Zabba [Member]
Time magazine's food critic just went to Applebee's, and had a similar experience.
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1218911,00.html
Personally, I do my best never to go into that kind of generic chain restaurant. Drinks aside, I don't think I can eat most of the food. Ads for TGI Friday's, Ruby Tuesday's, etc. make me sick. Like the burger with the fried shrimp on it, or the steak drenched in cheese sauce. Disgusting.
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1218911,00.html
Personally, I do my best never to go into that kind of generic chain restaurant. Drinks aside, I don't think I can eat most of the food. Ads for TGI Friday's, Ruby Tuesday's, etc. make me sick. Like the burger with the fried shrimp on it, or the steak drenched in cheese sauce. Disgusting.
07/27/06 @ 14:40
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12/16/10 @ 03:30
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