World of Suck

BOSTON (AP) -- A woman isn't legally responsible for injuries her boyfriend suffered while they were having consensual sex more than a decade ago, a state appeals court ruled Monday.

The man, identified only as John Doe in court papers, filed suit against the woman in 1997, claiming she was negligent when she suddenly changed positions, landed awkwardly on him and fractured his penis.

Well ok, there's an awful lot to work from here. Lets begin with classic speculation, no wait on second thought - lets ponder how much mileage this article is going to get. Wow it's a regular party-for-the-mind... I can hardly think of where to begin....

Speculation: So what exactly the hell WAS this woman doing? One can only hope that it was some sort of fabulous kamasutra-cirque-du-soleil kinda multi-jointed acrobatics (small white bishon frisee exempted). "Landed awkwardly". Well ok. That brings to mind images of little olympic gymnasts in leotards powering off the springboard, flipping over a horse only to miss "sticking" the landing. I mean how can I not type stuff like that?

Ok, striding forward with a manly swagger to the next event in the timeline (oh wait, that's right - he'd lost that after the double-forward-hammer-flip-with-midair-twist assault) you figure he said something like 'ow' when she "landed awkwardly". I imagine she was kinda contrite - probably a touch dissapointed that the maneuver failed, probably growing concerned if not somewhat upset. One has to figure this was in the heat of passion, she was really gung-ho, ready to work the weiner for all it's worth when suddenly her man-stud doubles over and starts whimpering. Definately a downer. So what next, rush him to the emergency room? The news seems to imply that....

So she wraps this guy in a sheet, throws on some sweats and rushes him off to the hospital. Throwing it into park as she hits the curbside, bundles our boy into a wheelchair, plunges through the doors and says to the nurse...?? "I wrenched his weiner? I broke his boing-boing? I mangled his manhood in a sex-crazed-frenzy-rupture-fest?" It's hard to imagine. I'm betting you had to be there.

So they patch him up and put him in rehab. You know those physical therapist chicks can be kinda cute.... you have to wonder what kinda excercises they prescribed... and if they managed to do it with a straight face.

Now, years later, he decides to take her to court! Yes court. Hire a lawyer, describe the event in detail. Go to court, describe the event in detail. Lose in court and have the news desperately want to describe the event in detail because Lawd Knows news like this doesn't come along every day. Seriously, what the hell was he thinking?

I imagine, after the offers from Howard Stern, and other late night shows roll in, maybe a few pr0n offers (presuming he can still work the willy) he'll have a little more money and a lot less chance of ever having grandkids. After all, what woman is going to want to marry a famously, fractured frankenschtukel for a husband?